There was a knot in my throat.
One of those “I can’t speak without balling my eyes out” feelings. That “no matter how hard you swallow to hold it in it still pours out” feelings.
We flirted with each other most of our lives. During our eighth-grade year I noticed him at his brother’s graduation party — he says he met me at church.. (so who knows really? lol) by sophomore year I would tell my parents I was at my friend’s house but really I would be at his.
Then one year, he played me and got a girlfriend — so I stopped going over and started actually hanging out with my neighborhood friends again. I graduated from high school and went to college.
By the time the end of my freshman year came around he was crying his eyes out in the parking lot because he couldn’t stand how much he loved me without me not loving him.
So I gave it a try.
Not lying, that was the best decision I could’ve made at that point in my life. This relationship for four years taught me so much about loyalty, respect, growing up, changing, paying bills, conquering fears, overcoming obstacles and living against the norm.
We were just a couple of kids in love.
We made good decisions, bad decisions; got an apartment, lost the apartment. Got a new car, totaled the new car; went out to eat and sometimes we ate ramen noodles. Through it all, we stuck together.
It’s very hard to experience life like that with somebody and then one day you wake up alone… and then you keep waking up alone.
The conversations we had leading up to the break up were very hard.
I wanted to hang out with the new friends I was making at work. I found myself wanting to go to the clubs without him. I wanted to flirt with this guy in my class and not feel guilty. I wanted to finish school and chase my dream of being a journalist. He was ready for more commitment and I couldn’t give it.
We fought constantly. I could never say what I had on my chest without being yelled at. He couldn’t tell me what was on his mind without me getting upset – so I wrote him a letter.
We were changing. Everything we had ever told each other we wanted before wasn’t the same anymore.
Although this story doesn’t end in us being together… it was really great that we were able to realize where we were falling short in our relationship so that we could work on those things. However, when you’re on two different pages the way we were, more times than not it’s best to prepare your heart and let go.
I found myself expecting him to make me happy every day. When really the reason why I wasn’t happy was because of myself.
We can’t go through life expecting that when your partner wakes up the first thing they think about is “what do I have to do today to make her/him happy?” It just isn’t fair to put that much pressure on a person you care about. You’ve got to be the one who knows what you want and what you need.
Letting go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I couldn’t talk without balling my eyes out. I was also leaving his family and I love them so much. We had a life together, we shared friends and loved the same spots to hang out at. And all the while, I felt so. damn. selfish.
I want to focus on that word… There comes a point in your life where you’ll need to be selfish. Not because you want to be mean, but because it’s the best thing FOR YOU!
For those of you who have been married for years, I know this story may not have as much time invested and may sound trivial but the message is the same.
It is 100% okay to invest your energy, to love hard, fight and then give up when it’s no longer benefiting the person you are becoming.
Through the process, I learned a few things.
- Never make a decision when you’re confused. But know that not making decisions also has its consequences.
- You know what you have to do. Don’t make God step in and do it for you. 100 times out of 100 you will end up right where you need to be regardless if you want to be there or not. The last thing you want is to stay stuck where you are feeling the SAME way you do one year from now, five years from now, your whole life.
- Be honest. Don’t give yourself the option to sell yourself short to ANYBODY!
- Do what you say you’re going to do. Accomplish what you say you’re going to accomplish. Don’t give anybody the reason to think you made excuses. Live up to your own word.
- For me, that was completing my internship, finishing my degree and traveling.
This isn’t a practice round on life, so follow your heart. Make it count. Keep yourself encouraged, learn from others’ experiences, but in the end
Always Choose For You.
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